I will miss you President Trump

I am not going to be the one to remind everyone what gas prices are, and point out where our country was on January 20, 2021, but I am going to say I feel I am in a similar position that others were on January 20, 2017. I feel a little lost, a little patronized, taunted maybe. I feel like I am worried. I feel as if I say anything about my feelings I could be trampled with guilt from friends that don’t feel the way I do. I feel pretty trampled already, because 4 years ago I said give him a chance, yet was told I had to fear for my family as a mother and wife. This is how I feel today. Fear. For the last three years, I have been enlightened to a dark past my mind kept secret from me. I fought off the demons on my subconscious consciously. I found my voice, I learned that I did not have to hide my intelligence for others to feel better about themselves. I found that I can be strong in the face of doubt that was my own burden. I battled a hospital stay because of a PTSD break down. I battled a few months of anxiety fused severe depression a few months after my hospital stay. I had to rebuild my confidence as a Woman, Wife, a mother that learned that some nightmares were actually true events that took place as a child. And I did! In a very short time I accomplished so very much for myself and my healing. So much so, that I was much more capable to be there for my loved ones through heart breaking isolation and fear of Covid. I was able to talk with my loved ones that didn’t understand what was going on. I was able to help ease anxiety in my loved ones that never had it before. I was able to walk my loved ones through panic attacks without breaking a sweat. So I will miss Trump being our president. Maybe not for the reasons others do, and certainly nothing to do with hating Biden, which I don’t. Trump leaving means a new president to get used to while I am still healing on my own. Change is not always my favorite and I can’t say I’ve ever liked a brand new president since I don’t prefer to talk my real thoughts on politics in public that much. Even when I did it was never met gently, fairly, or friendly the last few years. Biden/Harris calls for unity and I do hope that means that everyone is allowed to speak their mind again without being shamed and chastised for it. That goes for both political sides in my mind. That’s unity. Fair debate. Believing someone has intelligence regardless of their political preference. I truly hope that will happen again.

Fear Fear itself

I implore those who don’t know much of him to look him up. He took office during the depression when our country was in much need of healing. Our people where pointing and blaming banks for their not having jobs or the ability to feed their families. They were scared, they were pointing fingers and unable to take responsibility. This is a part of our history that seems to be repeating itself because the parties are scared and placing blame and guilt on one another for a natural entity that is taking it’s natural course. The Democrats and Republicans are both healing parties. They compliment one another because of their differences. They are there to keep one another on their toes to better work as a team to keep our nation the beautiful a free willed country that she is. FDR was a democratic president that brought hope and reminded us that we all had our part to play. We are a team. We do not forget our upbringings as a nation, we learn to accept a challenge and continue to try to get it right. That’s all we have. It’s hope for better days.

There is what I feel a lot of fear of being silenced these days.
I don’t blame a single person for having such a fear, but I live that. I live with the thought of being silenced and I fight it most every day. I live it because I was in fact silenced. I was gaslighted into believing I had no say, what I was saying was wrong, I was over exaggerating, over dramatic, I had a very wonderful imagination but that was all it was. The very thought of it can really mess me up, so I fight to be heard even if it is miniscule. To all those out there that felt silenced like me, you are not.
Fear is VERY controlling, and even a person that has worked so VERY hard to overcome it, a person like me who has being working very hard to get past my insecurities about being in some sort of light… I battle fear itself all the time.
You are a human being, and everything that has happened over 2020 has really brought fear and sadness to a huge reality to many that haven’t seen it the way that a survivor has.
Hold on to your will. Hold on to your hope. Hold on to your love. It brings you through.
I know personally how Covid has made us much feel as if we are hostages. No one needs to admit that feeling, but I do. We had much ripped away from ourselves and our loved ones and there wasn’t a damn thing we could do and it was always uncertain when our lives may resume. That is traumatizing even for the strongest individual.
Don’t feel silenced because you have to be, allow yourself the satisfaction to speak up. It is exhilarating!

My Disassociative PTSD from the beginning.

I’ve been working on a way to start at the beginning of my disassociative PTSD journey. I like to write about things I experienced then with a fresh, matured, less scared mind. Though it still feels like I have not grown when I try to put the experience of learning about a dark past my mind kept from me well past maybe I believe it should have.
It started on an early September day. I had been seeing a therapist for around a year and a half. I had grown in sessions just talking about daily aggravations and regular stuff like being annoyed with my husband or doubting my abilities as a new parent (not new new, as Grace was almost 2).
I had had a very confusing Labor Day weekend. Got a little drunk, and did not believe anyone sitting with me was “real”. Awkward to say the least trying to wrap my head around not believing my family or the moment was real. I was stuck with this. Had to ask my therapist why. Made no sense. They were really there, because I did eventually “snap out of my daze” and said, oh WOW, this is really happening.
Wednesday was my appointment, so into it I went with a thousand questions, yet hesitant to ask, as I felt crazy. I push through that thought all too often and now, the “crazier” I assume I am, more so I don’t hesitate one bit now. After going over some questions, like alcoholism in the family, what did I drink, ect. There was no doubt finally that what I experienced there was a trauma trigger reaction called disassociation.
Well, what did she mean?
When a child is repeatedly traumatized, their brain has a trigger reaction. It takes the child to a different place, a subconscious place. Like wishing away. In my case I said this is not real so now as an adult, if it hurts or scares too much, I don’t believe it is happening. It’s a reaction I have had much of my life now, and having Grace triggered my brain to remember and relate to things that were happening at present time.
Confused at the realization, I wrapped my arms around myself in a hug and said, well, I do know I become very claustrophobic when I am upset. No one can touch me or get close to me except for my husband. Why do you think that is, she inquired. And with a deep breath I let out, my childhood.
To really help me understand, she reminded me of how I had mentioned I was locked in my room for very long periods of time by myself at a very young age. She said, because I at the time assumed that normal, she knew not to tell me that it was in fact abuse.
I cried for hours after I left that session.
Still can’t believe that my brain kept these very real experiences from me but my healing is still In process and I grow stronger than I ever was every day.

#ptsd #Disassociativeptsd #childhoodabuse #learningyouwereabused #traumareaction

Thanks 2020.

Instead of talking about how much this year sucked, why don’t we give this year some credit too. 2020 gave my husband, daughter, & I time we may never had gotten with the hustle and bustle of our every day lives. Lots of family meals together, lots of playing outside and teaching Grace how to play catch, a little soccer even, riding bikes. Lots of time to reminisce with Steve with card games and listening to some of my favorite musician friends I hadn’t seen play in over 10 years at least playing live facebook sets. 2020 gave me back, and gave me things to share with my husband and daughter that I didn’t think of before we got stuck at home all together. I hate to give Covid anything but the shutdown allowed us to really know what made us fall in love Again. We’ve lost friends and battled with anxiety, depression, grievance, lack of the social contact we all so very much loved before. Lots of us blame the mental and emotional impact of Covid for really hurting our loved ones too. We all have found ourselves in some newly awakened versions of our own. 2020 sucked but I’m thankful for it too. I’ve never been much for “New Year, New Me because I admire and am proud of the new me I strive for most all the time. 2020 brought our family closer. It made it all the more precious to spend time with those we cannot see often. It made it all the more beautiful to watch G play with her cousins and aunts and uncles and friends. 2020 gave us a new look on things that were there yet took for granted. So F Covid, but thank you for revealing things we didn’t always know were there.

Covid Christmas vacation

Welcome to the new new, it’s called bullS#$&. I don’t swear often but I think it’s appropriate. Mostly because I refuse to allow me my daughter to get used to it. Had to in March…. Had to allow her favorite adults treat her as non-existent because they were sheltering from the big bad Covid. Had to keep her inside because I had to delete her from everyone who might shelter themselves from her. Had to allow her to have break downs because the door was locked at grandma’s house. Had to allow everyone to choose them before her and had to tell her it wasn’t her fault it was because there was a big bad thing going around that hurt people. Not for nothing in March my little girl hard an ongoing ear infection and saw a sinus chart at the office she had to visit and was scared as hell her face had more to just skin. I may be babbling right now but I am just warming up. My 4 year old at the time lost everything but her home that she knew because of this virus and now that she has a bit of normalcy she aches for the normalcy she had not 3 days ago. This was the last year she could have had school at this time, but her daycare took a break to avoid Covid exposurer and she has been hurting because she wants her school day. On a Saturday she’s asking to be at school even though she won’t until at least the 4th and it is because of Covid. She knows she may not go back for a bit and she’s worried. She’s 5. How is our everything new normal ok? My 5 year old is telling me it’s supposed to be a school day on a Saturday because she feels it’s different. Why do we have to do this?

Covid contradicting double standards Vent

So frustrating!
You know what?
Trying to communicate about the serious let down of these last few months.
Particularly the ones involving my family personally and how this virus has impacted the way we live.
Do I have to cover my face while visiting with my own grandmother that lives on my property?
Do I have to insist my little girl do the same?
She goes back to school or we go back to work and the insistence that we aren’t safe is aggravating.
How are we NOT safe when even my little girl wears a mask at school or while playing with her friends on a playground? How are we not safe while we work with our faces covered?
How do we make money if we aren’t working?
Why is it safe for you to work, but not us?
How are we not safe when we haven’t traveled out of this state let alone basically this county since June when, well the ones that constantly question have left the state 3 times since February.
Why is it that when you want to break the rules it’s okay? Why is it we get constantly judged or chastised for our way of handling the toughest 8 months of our entire lives?
Why can you project everything that you feel is right, but be uncaring to resistance?
I am seriously sick of the contradictory and double standards.
I decide what I need to do for myself, my husband and I decide what we do for our daughter and us, you have no power over us and I would kindly as you to start being considerate to our feelings because the communication SUCKS around here!

You May not Stay

Depression, is it sneaky?

Does it creep up on you or do you know it’s there? Like an old friend that comes for a visit to share terrible news.

Well hello old friend, I see you and I will not allow you to drown me this time.

I also have a new companion, called pride. One that helps my confidence survive the battle I feel on the rise. I did not have her last time you stopped by.

So we can talk a while. We can cry. We can sit and think about all the reasons why I should hide under my blanket and wallow in anxiety too tired to have energy enough to open my eyes. We can talk about how I feel those tears I’ve been allowing to come out for taking on too much too fast and taking on nothing at all. The guilt I get from caring too much or too little for myself. The echoing judgment from my own heart for saying enough is enough.

We can feel it out, but there’s no room for you this time. You may not stay. We must say goodbye.

Anxiety is real

Anxiety, It creates fear and confusion so strong in your mind that your body exhibits and feels symptoms. Panic causes physical symptoms. Though it doesn’t matter to the person responding. Not the officer, the nurse, the person on the other end of that phone. They don’t relate. They’re trained to do a job, not to relate and empathize. It really takes the responders character to empathize and really be understanding to a client with anxiety so bad that they feel symptoms that are not caused by anything but sheer fear. Then the shame is put on.
“You’re just making this up in your head.”
“I don’t know what you’re asking me for.”
“You used the wrong words, so you created danger to yourself and others.”
“You are selfish.”
“This is not realistic, you must be delusional.”
“You have an amazing imagination.”
“There is someone else that has it worse then you.”
Feeling shamed and stupid, you have fallen victim to a society that does not believe that fear causes much more than just imagination. Been victimized again by that officer, doctor, judge, lawyer, or boss. Bullied. Given in to the fight you have been fighting to be heard.
This has been a constant these last 7 months. You can question it, but it gets you nowhere. There’s always a bully to tell you you can’t feel the way you do, say the things you say, have the response you have. Faith, hope, love, it’s all been set on the back burner, because someone that’s stronger, more intelligent, more respected, or better at communicating is calling the shots. Some one that does not relate to you and thinks you are dramatic and seeking attention, not understanding.

Oct 3rd

Mental impact via Covid

I believe that this is happening to more pple these days in our country. Maybe only a few of these things, maybe one or two of these things. Maybe a lot of these things. Partially in the above age of 70 and 80.
*
Has the isolation taken a toll?
Has the restrictions on a whole taken away your quality of life?
Has the fear of the tiny enemy made you fear getting close to anyone ever again?
Do you think pple are avoiding you personally?
Has your anxiety overcome you so much that you haven’t been able to use your legs or arms properly?
Do you double guess that the world outside your home keeps turning?
Have you questioned others’ intentions towards you?
Do you feel like things are being “staged” to give you relief and make you feel safe?
Have you wondered if the person on the other side of the phone exists? Is that text generated somehow? Is the voice real or a recording?
Does facebook have more realistic experience for you?
Do you think someone is trying to scare you away?
Have you been afraid to cross state lines thinking that some how the governor of that state knows you’re doing it?
Have you feared another person, a stranger, giving you a personal hard time for not covering your face when you’re more than 6 feet away from them.
Have you assumed someone stronger then you is controlling your life?
Do you think it’s a demon or something evil at work attempting to confuse you enough that your reality is not even yours?