Nope

That’s what I have to say. Nope. Right now I’m dying to write a letter to my MIL because I feel like my daughter is always Missing out on having her real Grandmom, but I can’t. I stare at the page and anything I write becomes a blur. There are so many things I could say. Lots negitive. Like because of her codependent actions, I’m lucky that I even have my husband, let alone a beautiful daughter. I cannot write that though. She would never read it. She remembers all the crappy things I did, but not one of her super crappy things. Hypocrisy at its best. For a woman that has had such a burdened walk as a single mother striving to have her children have the best, she cannot and will not put a foot in my shoes. Why doesn’t Jess work? Because there’s no one to watch the baby. Why is that? Because everyone has their lives to live. Because we don’t have 2 parents living with us like your daughter does. My child has 2 living Great Grandmother’s, a step Grandma and her. She was short one Grandma before being born. My Aunt has filled that role. But her one real Grandma will not come over the bridge to see her. She’d rather visit her Daddy at the bar and have a few drinks. The only time we ever got my MIL over to visit and spend any real time with my daughter was when she was babysitting. That was a disaster. If it wasn’t in the morning, she would have to have her beers before coming over. And she would stay the night so if we came home with a bit too many drinks in us she would be mad. But no worries on the buzz she got before taking care of my child… Always strings. Always. I have come to the point where I don’t even want her to bother. I was sick one time, but needed to pick up an outfit. She said she couldn’t watch the baby, but she would pick up the outfit. Nevermind, I found someone to take her. I was sick, but really needed a break from my beautiful child. She is a wonderful loving Grandma. She is amazing with her grandbabies, but she wouldn’t come over to be in the same room as me. So she goes on not knowing her baby Grace so well. When the excuse of I don’t feel comfortable isn’t good enough, she complained about all the cludder in our home. Only time she wanted to visit was after 8. When my kiddo was sleeping (because thank goodness she sleeps!!!) But that was an excuse on my part. Noooo I will not wake my child for you to visit on your on terms. Not an excuse. It was a reality. I could go on and on. But also reality, it’s on her. She’s making her bed and my daughter will not know her unless she wants to stop being petty.

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A letter that may not be sent…

I wrote this Monday, after arguing for 3 days on messenger. Some of the conversation was actually a conversation. Some was finger pointing from his end, some was apologies, none from him until I said I might give up. When I finally did at 11:30pm Sunday evening after an insult went too far, Monday came with an apology that wasn’t so much. I may send this. I may not. But I haven’t said a word on messenger since I said he crossed a line and I will not be abused any longer. 

Dear K, 

You hurt my feelings. When I thought you might have been apologizing in record time, you continued to tell me what you thought was wrong with me. I guess that’s just how you feel an apology is supposed to be. I do not. Maybe you think my world comes to an end when my feelings​ get hurt, but it doesn’t. I think long and hard why things were said. I try to understand why someone would pick at me that way. And sometimes (in your case alot) I let it go with a “I don’t like that but I get it.” I don’t know that you even realize how much I do let go. I even warned you a few times that I wasn’t going to take much more, but as I tried to positively enforce you, you hit me harder with words. I know I’m not completely innocent. I swore at you. I took a shot or two after I tired of you insulting me over and over. I was trying to help. I always try to understand. You carried me around in circles and told me some things I had told you. For example I have been begging you to treat me like a friend or someone you don’t know, because then maybe you won’t get so annoyed at everything I say. Anything that I have asked to help us have a relationship has seemed shitty coming from me, but fine on your end. I cannot and will not be a part of an endless cycle where I end up being insulted anymore. I get my feelings hurt more then you know. I also don’t put “everything” on Facebook. You don’t seem to understand that just because I look like everything is wonderful on fb, doesn’t mean it is. I’ve finally grew a backbone and said I’m done. I may be sorry about things, but I’m certainly not going to be guilty. I spent alot of time feeling guilty about everything. It just isn’t worth it. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling great. I did read what you wrote and I’m Happy you shared. It took me saying I give up for you to do so, so I’m not taking the bate. That is something you really should have felt free to talk to me about before. Because I was always here. But right now, I need my distance. Last couple weeks I have been dealing with some sad stuff with other people I love. I really wanted to be there for you too. I was. But I can’t now. This is very hard for me. There is no reason I need to cater to a relationship that is hurtful and harmful to my well being. My emotions are important to G and I need to stay strong for her. I love you K. You are always my brother. I’m sorry we can’t be friends now. Maybe one day we can again. 

Love J

Can’t make mom friends

Last week kiddo and I spent every morning going to a 30 minute baby sign class. I learned some words, and I’m trying to teach her. She responds a bit. She learned the more sign a few months no problem. The new ones, not happening quick. Mostly for her because why talk with your hands when you can already talk with your mouth. There were a bunch of moms and babies. It was kinda nice to be around other mom’s. 

A week ago today, my husband and I checked out our first daycare. Lots of organization, everything Organic, pretty cool. Also expensive. We aren’t going to go with them, mostly because way too expensive and way too orginizied for a part time situation. Someone was supposed to follow up with us in a few days. I have not received a follow up. Maybe they read my face. 

My dad was visiting this past weekend. On Friday we went to the park. It was a beautiful day. There were a ton of kids and Mom’s doing the same as us. Get that kiddo out so she can run off some it’s rained for a week steam. She met a girl born in October. G was very interested in telling her new friend that the doll was “mine.” And the ball was a ball. I think she was trying to interact nicely, but it wasn’t working out. She did her run around and got very upset when it was time to go.

Neither one of us made friends this week. I am a bit sad about it, but also not. I have found that I don’t quite fit in to the Sahm Category. I think I need to learn how to play with others while having a toddler too. I find this the same with Mom groups, I try to post and have an interaction, but generally my post gets one like. Also with friends that became mom’s in the last few years that I was friends with way before babies involved. I just don’t fit in.

 I have a few mom friends. My best friend from Highschool and I were pregnant together. Her son was born a couple weeks before G. My cousin’s girlfriend. Made a new friend chatting over blogging and mixed with Mommy biz. My SIL is cool, we just can’t complain about family together because that goes south fast. On the Mom to Mom front she’s awesome. I do have my family members I can chat with whenever. I wish I could be mom friends with my therapist (ridiculous but I wish she’s really fun!).

I expect one day I will make a mom friend that lives closer to me and kiddo will have a bestie. But I have definitely learned that even if they aren’t trying Mom’s these days are kinda mean girls. Or maybe I’m the mean girl and don’t know it.  

Monday night My Husband got an awful call from his best friend; “My brother’s dead!”. Hubby dropped his Xbox controller grabbed his coat and frantically walked down the hallway. I heard him from the other room, luckily I hadn’t gone to bed as I told him I would. “Gotta go to R! Eric is dead!” “Honey, slow down. Talk to me!” I insisted. What started as a bad Monday turned out worse. Our best man/daughter’s Godfather just lost his brother to addiction. It had been a fight for Eric, but his fight was lost. The next few hours/days have been surreal and heart ache. We’ve been closer to R then we ever have and he has been close for years. One or both of us have been attached to him every hour yesterday and some today. Eric was a wonderful guy. Like R is family to us, Eric also was family. It’s so hard to watch R hurt. To watch his mom and dad try to be themselves but hold back their real feelings. To hold back our own because we aren’t as effected as R is. To hold our Daughter closer because Eric leaves behind 3 children and we can’t imagine GD behind because of selfish reasons. To hold our loved/stong willed siblings closer even more because our best friend is now an only child. Honey and I try to relate but subtly because our feelings shall not be projected on R. A big F you to heroin. Another thing that my husband and I cannot relate to because we’ve never done it. We could never ever do that to ourselves or the people we love. While we deal with our emotions also cast them aside to help R, We our finding ourselves saying we have to do better for our baby and ourselves. Terrible that our loved one’s loss is a new wake up for us as well. Wonderful and terrible that R finds out how very loved his family and him are by losing his brother. Staying positive is something he is doing well And I am so proud of him. RIP Eric, your battle is now over. 

The next Day after🍀

It occurred to me this morning that I have angels. I know they’re there but I don’t always give them credit. I am so lucky to have good friends and an amazing family. I am also lucky that I have this ability to meet good people in my ridiculousness! Some assume I am crazy because of the situations I put myself in and amazingly find myself back home safe and sound. I do too frankly. There could have been a hundred times that I should not have made it home safe and yet here I am. Today I am happy. I blew off some well needed to get rid of Stay at home Mom steam on Friday. Had a fun time. Got some well needed husband love and woke up yesterday with a bit of a fuzzy head but no regrets about my Boston adventure. I generally have this thing called “Hang-xiety” the day after a night of drinking and that is when I do it close to home. I wake regretting having gone out and blown off steam and taking advantage of being away from the babe and some times the husband. Frankly I should not have to feel I did anything wrong because I don’t go out often, but sometimes I feel guilty. When my head is pounding it only feels worse. This time there is none. I do however wonder where it is that I get this no fear attitude and make friends with a stranger wearing green at a bar I’ve never been to, have some beers and make my way through a big (Irish) city I basically hate going to every day of the year except for maybe the (2nd) biggest party day that Boston has. Thanks to my angels and a little help from a stranger wearing green I made it home. Thanks to my friends and family I woke up smiling because I had an adventure! This Mommy is ready to go back to her boring (not so much) every day 24/7 stay at home life. #stpattys2017 #stayathomemom #greatadventures  #hangxiety #angelswatching