It is amazing how close I got in 2003… My mind left so many crumbs to follow. I wrote this:
How does a child embody mental pain? Quite simply, they cry, because if their eyes cannot see the boo boo, their hearts can still feel it. Hurt is hurt no matter how it’s felt. Frankly it’s insane to wonder what pain like that does to a child. Where does the pain go when a child doesn’t understand, or if there is no one to explain it? Into the vast sea of consciousness that can be locked away safely until it is safe to come out. I began to learn the process of my mother’s stability and the effects very quickly. Don’t know how exactly, but I found a way very early in life. I had to. I had to be strong. I had the gift and I knew how to use it.
PTSD, it’s sneaky. You never know when it will find you again. When it does, the peak into your story jumps at you. Some times it’s suddle and doesn’t cause much damage and other times it can knock you on your ass for a whole day and you won’t be able to fully stand up to your encounter until your emotional hangover goes away. It is hard to have flashbacks caused by disassociation. Some times your mind won’t even show you the picture. It will let you hear the words, the feel the crying, fear, restraint. The echo shows you over again. Fighting the demon your mind refuses to show you is a grueling battle. Just like that it goes back to sleep, leaving you knowing that at any time it will rear its ugly head. Gather your mental soldiers, stand tall and proud. This war will end one battle at a time. I will be the one standing… You will not prevail.
I spend many moments looking into the mirror. When I was delusional I saw my face as a dog. So now I check often. I see my face. And it doesn’t blend, it just stays the same. I used to look in the same mirror and see myself grow old. It was normal. I wasn’t scared of what I saw. I would watch my face form into my elders and be proud. But when I formed into that dog I was scared. I also thought that my life was some how a dog. I was chained and there was nothing that could stop what was going on. I was pumped with medication to keep me calm. In was sure that my family was breeding in an unhealthy way. So sure that I was scared. Even though my therapist scared me too, I listened to her advice. I brought my daughter and I to the closest hospital there was and asked to have both of us checked. Myself for psychiatric help and her for abuse. My mind was so interrupted that I thought I was my mother and my daughter was me. It is very very hard to write about this. I will do my best to continue another time.
It’s here that I sit in my car and just relax in the morning when handsome husband has the kiddo. I get a Dunkin donuts coffee, usually iced and large. Some times flavor, some times not. And I just enjoy the time I have before I go back to mommying.
Peace out!! Man it’s been a rough few months for me! I wasn’t ready to admit that I might be out of the woods because I know that a few good days doesn’t always mean the bad days are over. I got out though with lots of help form my family and friends, therapist, and medication. I’ve gone from being numb, sad, and anxious, to having other feelings like bored, annoyed (a little lol) and happy. My appetite isn’t quite the way it used to be, but I realized I never was hungry in the morning. I’m back to really enjoying my little girl too. I’m hoping I didn’t miss much of her Vibrance when I was down. But it seems her big change started just as I was waking up again. Thank you everyone for your prayers, and kind words. They really helped show me the light again. I’m going to work very hard to stay out of that dark place I was in and get back to me again.
I would really like to start enjoying my life again. I would really like to start appreciating my mornings and coffee by myself. All I feel like doing is complaining and that is not me. I really look forward to a day when this funk disappears for good. I’m not in a bad mood today. I just wish I could wake up and enjoy the very much needed quiet. The quiet traps me. It makes me lonely. It’s very frustrating because I’m stuck between wanting to be alone and really wishing I wasn’t. This is not me. I used to enjoy these things. Waking, having coffee by myself for just a little. Enjoying being a mother. Finding all the little things (annoying and sweet) funny and ironic. Now my days are tasks. Get it done and over with. I’d give anything to go back to the woman I was before. Not wishing that it was time for bed the minute I wake. Not scrambling to make the time tick faster. This is not me. Before there was never enough time in the day. I want to get back to her. Always having something to look forward to. Always having a good laugh over something totally silly. I miss me!
These last few weeks have been a pain in my butt. I have not been getting proper sleep. I wake about 5:30 am. I hear the early morning commute. If I had something to do other then smoke cigarettes I wouldn’t be so annoyed with being up so early. I beat the baby and definitely my husband who would sleep all day i if he could. I don’t work. I have no early morning appointments. I have no interest in cleaning until later in the morning. It’s all very frustrating. My therapist calls it early waking. Says I should check into taking a bit of melatonin. I might just try it.