A letter that may not be sent…

I wrote this Monday, after arguing for 3 days on messenger. Some of the conversation was actually a conversation. Some was finger pointing from his end, some was apologies, none from him until I said I might give up. When I finally did at 11:30pm Sunday evening after an insult went too far, Monday came with an apology that wasn’t so much. I may send this. I may not. But I haven’t said a word on messenger since I said he crossed a line and I will not be abused any longer. 

Dear K, 

You hurt my feelings. When I thought you might have been apologizing in record time, you continued to tell me what you thought was wrong with me. I guess that’s just how you feel an apology is supposed to be. I do not. Maybe you think my world comes to an end when my feelings​ get hurt, but it doesn’t. I think long and hard why things were said. I try to understand why someone would pick at me that way. And sometimes (in your case alot) I let it go with a “I don’t like that but I get it.” I don’t know that you even realize how much I do let go. I even warned you a few times that I wasn’t going to take much more, but as I tried to positively enforce you, you hit me harder with words. I know I’m not completely innocent. I swore at you. I took a shot or two after I tired of you insulting me over and over. I was trying to help. I always try to understand. You carried me around in circles and told me some things I had told you. For example I have been begging you to treat me like a friend or someone you don’t know, because then maybe you won’t get so annoyed at everything I say. Anything that I have asked to help us have a relationship has seemed shitty coming from me, but fine on your end. I cannot and will not be a part of an endless cycle where I end up being insulted anymore. I get my feelings hurt more then you know. I also don’t put “everything” on Facebook. You don’t seem to understand that just because I look like everything is wonderful on fb, doesn’t mean it is. I’ve finally grew a backbone and said I’m done. I may be sorry about things, but I’m certainly not going to be guilty. I spent alot of time feeling guilty about everything. It just isn’t worth it. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling great. I did read what you wrote and I’m Happy you shared. It took me saying I give up for you to do so, so I’m not taking the bate. That is something you really should have felt free to talk to me about before. Because I was always here. But right now, I need my distance. Last couple weeks I have been dealing with some sad stuff with other people I love. I really wanted to be there for you too. I was. But I can’t now. This is very hard for me. There is no reason I need to cater to a relationship that is hurtful and harmful to my well being. My emotions are important to G and I need to stay strong for her. I love you K. You are always my brother. I’m sorry we can’t be friends now. Maybe one day we can again. 

Love J

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Author: twistedjess

Mom of a beautiful toddler, wife of a bartender, life of stay at home from server and bartender. Big jump. Still taking it in. I love to write and ask crazy questions!

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